My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
