how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
