that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
