Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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