You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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