I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
