Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize