god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Welp...herpes.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize