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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
