I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
