Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
