so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize