Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
