Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
