i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize