I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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