The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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