OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
