thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
