thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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