just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
