we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
