next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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