I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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