fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
