i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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