a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Never underestimate the power of titties
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