My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize