I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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