Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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