If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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