Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize