Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
FUCK WHALES
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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