trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
