I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
