Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
