last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
