Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
