this beer tastes like vomit already
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
