im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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