im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
