She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
