the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
