I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
