Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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