she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Sorry my hands just texted you
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
