So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
