ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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