i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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