Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
