I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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