someone threw a dead crab at me
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
