I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I think i got beer on your cat.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
