that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
