my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize