You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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