Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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