My sheets look like a crime scene.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
