Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
