Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
