i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
should my penis look like a turkey
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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