i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
