i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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