Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
