just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Randomize
