when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
