halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
