Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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