I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize